Anami Grace | Made Up Life

I was 24 when I met my son for the first time. I had been married for 4 years, I had bought a house, I had quit my corporate 9-5 job, moved to a new city, and had adopted for the first time all within a 9 (ish) month time.

And I remember feeling smug because I had my life totally all figured out and I was never, ever, ever going to get a divorce, allow my kid to be harmed, or you know. Have anything bad happen to me. Because. I was protected by Jawd. (This is my favorite name for Evangelical God – since he is a god of violence he’s the only one I yell at, but this is a post for another day.)

I had vowed to honor my marriage until death do us part in front of 200 people I do not speak to anymore, and asked for Jawd to keep my marriage in the “safe harbor” of his love.

<insert hollow laugh of knowing here>

But there was some things that had to be worked out in my life. LOL. And damn if my picture perfect didn’t come crashing down all around me through the divine folly of parenting my kid.

And my kid’s dad came forward and contested his adoption.

Then the housing market crashed.

And my (then) husband cheated on me for the first time. With a dude. And started resenting me for not being a dude. 0/10 do not recommend.

All the while I was being sucked into the undertow of adoption guilt, unresolved trauma, heartbreak and my own piety that I loved my kid more than my mom loved me. And worshipping the guilt and shame of “taking” my kid from his other mom. (Which, again – is a post for another day).

But also having already accidentally cast the irrevocable love spell of being his mom.

And this was the first time I couldn’t escape the divine folly of being chosen for this path of extraordinary.

It wasn’t until. Jawd. September of 2025 that I realized that it’s all me. The collective all of my experience was there as an opportunity to love and care for myself through the density of my extraordinary life.

There was a line of dialogue from a show that I have long forgotten but it said “you cannot escape the story of your life.”

And the comfortable story I told myself in order to survive was that I would never turn into my mother. No matter what.

Well. Maury Povitch called. That was a lie.

Because she and I were never separate. She was just me 5 lifetimes ago. Or whatever. Same book. Different chapter. And that hurts my feelings. She was there to teach me the lesson of my life: what happens if I never evolve.

So. I made the hard decision to evolve through my spiritual healing journey. Hahaha. Just kidding. The spiritual healing journey chose me. And my evolution was a lot of loving the pieces of me that were unsafe in my childhood.

But through my evolution journey I was shown a picture that I’ll try and collapse into words: Healing is a spiral, and it’s similar to a rollercoaster track. What I did was built a new track by honoring the pieces of me that had been lost through the experiences of my life. And my mother was on the lower tracks living her miserable life without the benefit of a healing journey or the privileges I’d been given. And by healing the upper tracks it changed the entire experience of the roller coaster.

So last September I sent my mother the last text I will ever send her and basically said that I could never give her the absolution she wanted, because it wasn’t mine to give. And said that I was unbinding myself from her in every timeline because I had learned all that I could from her.

I also told her that I was about to be really famous. LOL, but she’s probably known that since I was like. 2.

All of that is to say this. I had to learn how to hold all of these experiences and tell the story of the joy they brought instead of the trauma they gave me. And my extraordinary life was all the path to let go of the comfortable. Enchanting lies. And hold myself in the duality that we truly can never escape the story of our lives.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care! Bye.