Anami Grace | Made Up Life

This morning I made myself the most epic breakfast burritos. But they were messy, and as an autistic human being having food on my fingers is a WHOLE sensory experience that makes me want to scream. Anything sticky or gross makes me want to crawl into a hole and cease to exist.

It’s also possible that I’m dramatic, but unlikely.

And I’m also working on being present with every moment as it comes to me and enjoying the parts of life that are there for my enrichment. Which. Is often times the messy part of everything. Right?

So as more of my breakfast burrito spilled out of my corn tortilla as I ate it than stayed in it. I laughed at said out loud that it’s not like anyone except Lily was here to judge me, so I might as well enjoy the breakfast burrito THROUGH my experience of the mess.

I did my relaxation check list. I dropped into my uterus space. Took a deep breath, I laughed at the absurdity of the experience, and I went deeper into my enjoyment of the combination of vegan egg, avocado, sour cream, cilantro and homemade enchilada sauce (salsa).

This is a lesson I’ve learned in a variety of ways in my life and it’s one that I’m probably going to get the lifelong opportunity to face through my experiences.

I learned it in parenting my kids: because they joined my family through the adoption I inherently knew that brokenness had to be honored in the way that no amount of my perfect parenting could change the experience we all had in the first moments of our relationship together.

And I’m always glad I learned that no amount of my being a perfect parent was somehow going to create perfect lives for my kids. That took the pressure right off of me. (In some ways, but in reality I’m still a millennial mom who often coated my children in toxic death cream AKA sunscreen – and the world held judgement no matter what I did.)

I learned that through my past relationships: because some of the most fun times were through the hardest times we faced together.

Life is messy. Life is uneven. Life is unfair. And even worse. It’s statistically fatal no matter what.

But we have to stop trying to make it perfect. Or chasing after moments we can never have again. Because the only constant IS change. And because the moments that are so ragged and life changing leave you changed fundamentally too. Right?

You’re really never the same person twice, and that is messy. Uneven. And unfair.

You’ll find the harmony of yourself once you let go of your ideals and just embrace the fact that you messy AF and this is all really just a learning experience to help you know yourself through the stuff brought up through the mess.

In the statistic fatality of your life or somewhere in the death and rebirth cycle of your life you’ll never regret the times you embraced something messy and learned to enjoy it past the sensory experience of existence.

Anyway. Love and Light to you all. Take care! Bye.