Anami Grace | Made Up Life

The magic of today was so completely captivating. The sun was shining, there were a few errant raindrops and some fluffy clouds framing a bright blue sky. It was absolutely daring me to hold myself in an abundance of playfulness and on my walk I was lost in the magical world of play, dance, and music. And I always wonder how it must be to perceive me mid-joy as I’m grinning, moving the energy through the music and my body on the busy streets. But, I also have moved past the judgements I held against myself for being weird in public.

But it was incredibly uncomfortable to learn how to hold play in my body as an adult autistic woman on planet earth, especially when conformity is next to godliness in capitalism. It was worth every ounce of discomfort, but it was hard the first time to put my earbuds in and dance with my shopping cart at the grocery store.

What I learned was that even the people who held me in judgement, typically the older boomer women who were too crabby and unhappy to give themselves the freedom, was simply that. Something going on for them that was none of my business. The kids are always the first to catch on, and they dance to the beat of their own drum and bring magic to their parents. And then their parents would subtly notice me and join in wherever they could.

But isn’t it interesting that the key to unlocking ourselves from this system is the imaginative play because it helps us imagine and create better supports for everyone. Isn’t it is so wild how it’s looked down on as something childish, unprofessional, or weird. Almost like that’s on purpose.

There was once a parent meeting at my kids’ preschool, and the director of the preschool had the adults play a silly game, and I remember feeling SO uncomfortable playing in front of my peers. And I also remember the last time I played dolls as a kid. I was older, but I put my Samantha American Girl doll in her original outfit, I brushed her hair, and said goodbye to play.

However, play did not say goodbye to me. I found that in my adulthood, the more time I spent in nature, the more access I had to play, health, and fun! And the more I had access to problem solving, compassion, kindness, joy, and the wealth of myself. I was also unaware of the connection I’d had to nature in my childhood, and that the wild space of the lagoon by my house was a breeding ground for imaginative play and joy when I had none of that at home.

What I don’t think a lot of people realize is how important it is to acknowledge and embrace your own discomfort and move yourself through it. Because in doing so, you’re expanding your own capacity for both play and discomfort.

It is extraordinarily difficult to be weird in public though, and for me it came from a fear of being seen and judged. That’s why it’s so important to identify when we’re holding judgement against other people, because if we’re holding others in judgement it’s a sneaky way to judge ourselves and hold ourselves back from whatever it is that we’re judging in them. Because there aren’t other people in our heads. Only us. And the being seen wound was 100% that my mother’s greatest evil delight in my childhood was editing me so I could hold less joy.

She would get this almost terrifying look in her eyes whenever she got to correct my grammar or spelling. But, joke is on her. I don’t care anymore. Because I kept writing anyway. I kept playing anyway. I kept dancing, singing, creating from my center. Anyway.

But all of this is to acknowledge that your own discomfort is not a good enough reason to not do something as important as playing. It’s there. As a signal to your body that you’re going in the right direction. And other people’s judgement of your play is really a reflection of their own internal world and their lack of freedom, rather than something you should internalized or held in fear.

Because. The right people will end up in your life, ready to play whatever game you can imagine together. And being weird in public just welcomes in your tribe faster.

Anyway, love and light to you all. Take care! Bye.