Anami Grace | Made Up Life

I’ve been having some demand avoidance about cleaning my bathroom over the past few weeks. I got myself closer by cleaning the toilet and the mirror, but it really needed a deep clean and I just simply did not have the bandwidth because even if it doesn’t look like a lot from the outside, I’ve been having a really hard time through this void/integration period between timelines.

Turns out that if you’ve moved, lost your job, quit your job, tried to create a business, and thrown yourself into the work of deeply accommodating yourself through the last little bits of your spiritual healing journey…That’s quite a lot. And it’s not that it was all bad, it was truly some of the most wonderful times of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t look back and say: That was a lot to go through, and even if you learned a lot that doesn’t mean that you can’t take a moment to sigh and congratulate yourself on your survival.

But what I did was that I kept sending care to the future version of me who had the capacity. I kept visualizing the bathroom as clean, and then pushing myself to better care for the version of me that was in this moment.

Because the most loved, cared for and whole version of you. Does have it. It’s really a combination of using what gets me closer in the moment you’re having and trusting that the future version of you does the thing. Whatever it is for you.

As I finally found the version of me that was ready to deep clean the bathroom, I realized that it was much the same with drinking too. I was never going to be ready to move through and past my relationship with alcohol until I was ready. And instead of pressuring myself to be ready before I was, I needed to use that pressure to care for and love myself, approaching my self-injurious behavior with curiosity rather than judgement.

The long and the short of it was that when I was ready, I let go of it like the heart of the ocean, into the depths of my soul. Without even a longing look back to consider whether it was right. Because. I was ready.

And, I’ve alcohol free since 10/4/2024.

But the thing is that all of the guilt and shame I was carrying about my maladaptive coping mechanism would eventually be witnessed, but I had to give them a safe space to land by caring for myself unapologetically. I had to learn to love myself enough to hold all of those feelings with love and kindness before I was going to hold them, acknowledge them, and then ground them into the earth to be alchemized.

I had to hold my shadow that wanted to die, and let her do so. And then I had to find the addiction in the equal and opposite direction. And – I never would have been able to do that without sending a me ahead of me that was ready to do the thing.

So, to my friends who are looking to shift anything about your life. Whatever it is. Here is what I would do if I could do it all over again: I would say out loud to the universe: I hold this thing as complete. Please send the path forward to me to discover. Please show me the way out (of whatever it is). And the only pressure I’d put on yourself is to take absolutely obnoxious care of yourself. Whatever that looks like for you. Indulging the ridiculousness of you.

Hold your body, soul and spirit in love. Ask yourself over and over again what gets me closer, and do whatever the aligned action is.

And visualize the outcome you’d like most. Free of the thing, with the thing, and then go about being fully embodied in the moment you’re having right now. Because. This moment is the key, in some way to the future version of you’s success. Thank yourself for how it works out. But most of all:

Stop worrying about it.

Because the impossible part is that you’ll be there closer than you think. Especially when you become the most whole, loved, joyful version of yourself.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care. Bye.