Anami Grace | Made Up Life

I’ve found that being human on planet earth is simply a quest to find love for yourself through every circumstance, happenstance, relationship, housing situation, family dynamic, community situation, and through every feeling, hopelessness, grief, heartache and still finding your way home to your own magic.

That is what I found most incredible about my spiritual healing journey, picking up little pieces of myself that had been splintered off by everything outside of my control, particularly in childhood – but even in adulthood. I loved shadow work and found it to be quite cathartic.

This is where I wish, truly wish that there were a way for you all to try on my experience rather than trying to collapse it into language. But, I will try. When I’m doing shadow work – I’m shown a picture of what needs to be loved within me. So, today, it was holding unprocessed grief around what I lost to the lifetime I lost to domestic violence.

Domestic violence was so confusing for me, because for all of the coercive control, there was just as much fun and love. It was just incredibly out of balance, and I lost the most valuable piece of real estate I held, which was my own sense of self. The more I became who he wanted me to be the more we both hated ourselves and each other. It was out of balance, and my life’s work is finding the harmony of myself and spinning love through that balance.

The confusing part was as much adventure, fun, personality, and support there was there, it was always going to be out of balance because I’d lost me.

However, I’m so much richer because of the experience. So the shadow of grief had to be held. I lost the only family I’d ever made up to domestic violence. And I had to hold that grief through play today. For me, I move my shadows through my body through dance. So, I pictured 2022 me. I asked her to come join me through movement, and together, we listened to “Passion” by Borrtex and we played grief together.

We held all of the times that we were on the lake, laughing, snacking, fishing, swimming. We held all of the trips to the coast, we held all of the beauty – and all of the pain of being a family. And then the loss had to be witnessed. It had to be treasured like the valuable piece it was. Because the tragedy was that in order for it to hold the knowledge and power for THIS iteration of Anami Grace, it first had to be let go for survival’s sake. And then woven and spun in each movement of creating beauty in the now.

And, that’s one thing that I don’t think people are curious enough about. We’ve spent so much time trying to conform, make money, and to live the same day over and over again that we’ve forgotten that the whole point of life is to know yourself through every circumstance and experience.

Each time, the silent question is asked: are you ready to hold the magic of you? Or are you going to continue to try and live the same day over and over again?

But today the question that echoed through my mind was how to anchor myself in divine love, and how to hold the experience in greater wealth. Because. I am so much more whole because of the brokenness brought to me by that relationship.

I became so much more me. Because of that experience. I am the one who makes it because I hold that experience, that family, who we got to be together, and eventually the loss of all of it, in my body.

Which, is not an invitation for a do-over. It’s the dawning of understanding within me that I became the best version of myself because I found the harmony with the HARM and me.

Damn. On today’s episode of “All Autism & Air signs” that sentence made its way into being. Y’all can thank me later. 😉

But in all seriousness though. In order for me to hold and honor my grief, know that for me, the love was real, and to integrate the experiences gifted to me in my life, I have to visualize who I was, and show her who we became because of her survival.

It’s the only way I move myself through the pain of existence. Is to know who I was, integrate her into who I am. And then live and breathe gratitude that I moved myself from survival into a life I love.

And, when you move yourself from victimhood into a place of power within yourself. When you infuse the past versions of you, see them with divine love, and accept them as gifts for you. It seats you within the only moment you have, right now. That’s the ignition point for your magic. Because magic is just another word for love. Because love is it. Love is the conduit for the most magical version of you. And integration of the past versions of yourself that survived the experience are the sparkly parts of your magic.

Life is simply an invitation for you to love yourself through this human existence. Through every experience, every place, every grief, every smile. And when you learn presence and harmony with every iteration of you, and when you invite them to dance and play with you. You are whole, and the brokenness only increases the value and the beauty of the harmony you find through play.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care! Bye.