Anami Grace | Made Up Life

Grief and gratitude were harmonizing in my chest last night as I found the harmony to “You’ll Be in My Heart” by Phil Colins. And I was simply overcome with love and thankfulness that Polly taught me how to sing.

My best friend freshman year had asked me to join choir with her. And I was 14, loved Sarah McLachlan. For some reason my mother agreed, and I was set to audition for the children’s choir. My first impression of Polly was that she was a hard ass. The first time I saw the Incredibles, I thought that she looked like Edna from The to me, tiny and powerful. With the same vibes.

I stood in the auditorium of the First Presbyterian church on stage, and she played notes on the piano and I sang them, she asked if I could read music, and I couldn’t. But I understood music.

She said to my mother “The natural talent is there, I can work with it.” And offered me a spot in the San Diego Children’s Choir. Even though I didn’t look at people. I saw it all over her face that she was excited to train my voice and see what she could do with my natural talent.

I only got one year in choir. But it was all I needed. I was placed as a 1st alto, second seat. Right next to by bestie. We were fitted for our uniforms, we were trained. And Polly did not accept any bullshit.

And I learned to hold the harmony.

Which, has shown up for me every day of my life.

When my grandpa died, 3 years later. I sang with my cousins at his funeral. And as we practiced, the harmony of “How Great Thou Art” found its way through my soul. And it helped me find my way in the grief of the loss of him.

When my oldest was born, I would quietly sing “The Water is Wide” to him as a lullaby every night. And even though my ex-husband overshadowed me in every way he could, it was something special that was held in those tiny quiet moments of falling in love with my first kid.

Every road trip, every unperceived moment that I could – was filled with my voice, because Polly gave me the gift of the harmony.

And, I will never. Ever. Ever. Forget her.

She died of cancer sometime in the early 2000s, and by then I was really embedded in my newly married life and busy living my 3D life.

Over the past two years, finding myself through the harmony of the music I’ve enjoyed has been the greatest gift of my life. Music has held me when everything else failed. It connected my body, soul and spirit in the way only music can. And all of my training, from Polly found its way back to me. Like muscle memory, but for my diaphragm.

Music created space in me by naturally moving my body through each state it was in. And it brought me back to loving my human body every day.

And, last night as tears stung my eyes, finding the harmony after a weird day of disconnection from myself and the state of things. Polly came flooding back to me. And out loud I said “Thank you Polly for giving me my voice.”

That is truly the unfair thing about life. Is that Polly will never know. She’ll never be able to hear my presence and voice as an adult. But I will always carry some of her with me wherever I go because she saw the natural beauty and chose to amplify it in me.

It was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been entrusted with, and I use it every day. With grief and gratitude, for Polly. My life is impossibly richer for having known you. Your memory is a blessing to me every day.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care, bye!