Anami Grace | Made Up Life

We’d borrowed bikes to go on a 30 mile bike ride through Joshua Tree. The sun was shining, and the terrain was flat and there weren’t any cars. I was 15, and we’d been Mormon for five years. And as I snuck a peek at my mother, as if on cue her face burst into the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. It was one of the happiest moments of my childhood.

I always thought my mom was so pretty, it confused me that she hated herself so much. And as I have healed it has dawned on me that she hated the pieces of herself that I reflected back to her. I had her face, her laugh, her smile. The way her eyes got squinty when she smiled from deep happiness.

The problem was that I wore her face with deep rooted joy that she wanted to destroy, but I was the only one of her kids that wasn’t iffy about wanting to exist, even if she was iffy about me existing.

And, it’s complicated right? Because when my mom was happy and healthy. My mirror neurons were working overtime to also be happy and healthy. But. The love I gave her. The patience I had with her. The gift of my existence in her world was a gift for her. And that gift can never be taken away.

However, in my healing journey I had to learn that I could hold love for her, without having a relationship with her. Because I require for the people in my life to have a deep rooted attunement with themselves and a basic level of self love. And my mother cannot carry that because she’s too busy chasing absolution for her guilt, instead of love for herself.

Even though my children do not wear my face, I still imagine how important it is for them to see my beauty reflected through every act of happiness I create.

I really love parenting them, they are two of my favorite humans on this planet. And every time we are ridiculous together I think that I’m creating a new threshold for happiness for their lives.

And. I’m so glad that they get to see me happy. I’m so glad that we get to hold happiness together as a family.

The irony is that I would not have wanted to be together forever with my family of origin. But this one? The one I made up through adoption and sheer force of will? This is the one that I would want to be with forever, and in every stage.

Simply because we’ve held all of the harm the world tried to throw at us, and we said: we’re going to be alright. As long as we’re together.

And even in the first year post divorce we never stopped believing that would happen for us. It was SO hard, but I’m so thankful for that year of my life every day.

The smiles in the upset of the routine, the joy that flows freely even in moments of overwhelm, the bond that we’ve created has made the three of us more filled with beauty and love.

The other day my daughter said: mom, you’ve been so much happier since you quit your job.

And, I was always so incredibly happy to see my mom happy, even in the complication of our relationship, I imagine that my inherent beauty is amplified by the joy and attunement our relationship shares, and. I’ve never known greater success or love than I carry for myself and my children.

I didn’t like the relationship I had with myself, so I shifted that and welcomed every ounce of love it created within me, and then re-invested it into the two most important people I’ve ever had the opportunity to love. My kids.

Which, is your daily reminder that they don’t sell lives you love in capitalism. They can’t. It would put them out of business selling you shit you don’t need. And it’s okay to create something beautiful rooted in love for yourself. All you have to do is figure out what you like and then become addicted to the version of you that has that thing. The smiles are free, and the joy is out of this world.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care. Bye.