Anami Grace | Made Up Life

I’m a joy warrior. I hold my own darkness in incredible balance with my own light, but most often I’m found with a dumb grin on my face because I’m so deeply happy to have had the opportunity to find myself through this density of being a multidimensional being in human flesh.

On a totally practical note, the universe of my light being sits at the top of my head. And I’m realizing that when I am moving music through my biofield it is just me reaching past my own human body into the universal everything to bring it into Anami Grace’s experience.

But it’s been an incredibly lonely (not in a bad way) to be the first of my family line to wake up, look at my shadows and cherish their presence in my world, integrate them and now celebrate their existence. And today that was incredibly painful to finally hold all of these facets of myself in balance, and reach out to from beyond that journey to hold up my light for those still trying to find their way through this density.

The reality is that people are incredibly unwell, depending on where you look and what lens you choose to view them from. And the weight of that on my human body is a lot. Because Anami Grace is a helper, she wants everyone to do well, and to teach, learn, and grow.

But the other reality is that I have to show up as a miracle for myself first. I have to hold the weight of my own sadness in balance with my own joy. Knowing that no state is permanent, only an opportunity to for me to dig into the work of holding my own special needs, and to find the miracle of me through every state of being through caring for those special needs.

And, today that was harder than usual, and on my walk I found myself sobbing, unable to hold back the painful lump in my throat any longer. I once again found myself honoring how scary it was to get laid off and then quit my job. I found myself holding the depth of my own depression, anxiety, and pain of existence. It was really difficult to do something that the world judged as irresponsible when there were no guarantees that any of my ideas would work out or that my book would sell.

It was an incredibly brave decision to put myself out there in the way of content creation, and to meet myself along the way. Every ragged judgmental part. And, to be honest, it looks like it’s not working. Which is also incredibly scary.

But the other piece to that statement is that everything. And I mean everything works out for she, who is protected (that is what Anami means, she who is protected). And through the collapse of everything the only thing I can ever do is show up as my most well-cared for self, and continue to be my own miracle.

It is incredibly hard work to no longer outsource the care of yourself, especially in end stage predatory capitalism. In which you are punished for your existence.

And. I simply wanted to lend my words for my experience of this today. And continue to hold space for my own tears and sadness about existence, because ever a helper, I showed up for myself first today.

Anyway, love and light to you all. Take care. Bye.