Anami Grace | Made Up Life

I honestly don’t even know where to start for this one. It feels like throwing up my guts and allowing tens of people to view these wounds that run so deeply through me. But. I came on my content creation journey to find myself. And here I am.

The new moon in Aries really brought up my deep attachment wound from losing my relationship with my father in childhood, and I found myself chasing connection both in my waking and dreaming life, through indulging attraction to a man orbiting my life.

I’ve always been able to hide behind the idea that I’m living life with an open hand, but I am being asked to confront this for my own growth and to finally cut off the dead weight of denying who I am.

I feel things deeply. And this man lit up my mirror neurons so deeply, and his smile was so incredibly beautiful that I couldn’t escape him – nor him, I.

I don’t know how to explain what happened, other than I’m pretty sure he was on his way to talk to me, but then I flashed the micro expression of pain at him, and ruined both of our weeks while we tried to avoid each other and I tried to act okay about all of it.

Meanwhile I was so deeply fighting for my life through my attachment injury that I was both running toward uncertainty and avoiding it by pretending to be okay and happy. I was not either.

And, cue autoimmune flare up, I got glutened the Sunday before last and I was trying to play through it, and also was so incredibly sick that I could only film what I was inspired to film, I tried really hard to continue to take my jolly walks and move myself through all of this with as much grace as I could. And ended up on the ground in front of my house trying to not pass out every day.

Because I was drowning in myself. Completely not okay.

Because really none of this is okay. I make the world a better place every day, I should not be afraid at all that both money and time are on their way right out of my life in the uncharted territory of the complete and utter collapse of a limited safety net of end stage predatory capitalism.

The greed and trauma almost cartoonish while people have billions of dollars, and other people are starving, and we’re doing a war nobody wants.

And if that were the ONLY thing going on perhaps I would have faired better last week, but I also was in the deep end of the loss of everything over the past year.

I broke up with my miserable boyfriend. My best friend stopped speaking to me on a random Tuesday. I lost my job, and then quit my job. I said fuck it and cashed out my 401K and gave myself 6 months to figure it out.

I put so much pressure on myself to be successful that I posted a video every day (many times multiple times a day) and I held all of this with what I felt was so much bravery and heart. Ambiguous for the cost to me to always hold a brave face. But also finding out exactly how beautiful my face was, how incredibly my aura shines, and finding my voice and adorableness on camera.

And, the thing that hurt me the most? Was actually the loss of my therapist. Because I’d quit my job and lost my commercial insurance I lost the only adult in my life who I could talk to and trusted with all of this.

So when I found myself in the deep end of myself, drowning. I had nobody to come save me. Which is fine. I don’t want or need to be saved. Only held.

I found myself between two worlds, the magic of me. And fully believing that one of my endeavors will finally reach the right audience, and the fear that I was going to find myself abandoned by myself again in the midst of this deep pain.

Meanwhile navigating the ever changing landscape of my world with even less unperceived time because my younger kid came home for online school because it was no longer supported for her to be in person.

The despair of not having a single person to hold the depth and beauty of me, hurt in a way that I cannot put into words.

It creates a war within myself, to both be less, hold myself more, and really just wanting to scream at the world to figure it out so that we can escape this nonsense already.

Ultimately, I choose to cauterize the attachment wound by running toward safe connection with a neighbor, choose my calling over all else, and allow the infatuation to pass for the beautiful man in my orbit.

But this year has cost me everything. And. I’m really ready for things to move in my favor.

On Sunday I found myself in front of the mirror. With a message from my higher self: Anami Grace. You are the most successful version of yourself that has ever existed. You became the person you needed in your childhood and you’ve held the impossible task of bringing the light to your soul that was in the depths of hell. You created a life you love from your center, and even if that is all you’ve ever done. That is enough. But you bring your magic and give it away to everyone you meet every day.

You became kind in a world that was deeply unkind to you, and you loved everyone who came across your path with genuine and heartfelt love that flowed deeply from you. Without regard to yourself many times. Trying to get a need met that your parents should have been able to hold with you.

And even if nobody sees that. Even if nobody knows the cost to you. Even if nobody ever even comes close to holding love for you. You will hold it and move it through your body.

You will bring the matriarchy into the world, you will fulfill your calling with such great success that everyone will have to know your name.

You are everything. And you are nothing. The quantum juxtaposition of divinity and humanity.

In reality it’s nobody’s job to hold anyone besides themselves, and I have once again found that I have absolutely no chill. And fallen more in love with that within myself.

Anyway, love and light to you all. Take care. Bye.