Anami Grace | Made Up Life

Listen y’all. Mother’s Day is complicated for me, as it is for a lot of people having a human experience on planet earth. Having a mother? Complicated. Having children? Complicated. Infertility? Full ass stop. Adoption? HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING BEER. This Hallmark holiday has brought me to the valley of death every year since I was 22, desperately hoping for that second line to appear on my pregnancy test.

And, I wish I could say that it got easier, but it does shift. Back when I was in the throws of Evangelicalism and trying to rescue the unborn, I had a volunteer shift at the Pregnancy Resource Center and there I met another adoptive mom who completely changed my view on the internal war I had over Mother’s Day.

She said “Anami Grace, Mother’s Day is an opportunity for you to be grateful that you have the opportunity to parent these souls entrusted to you.” And if that didn’t chap my hide.

Because the forced gratitude for the shitty experience I’d had with my mother was not the template I could use for my kids. I never wanted them to be forced to be grateful for their adoptions, for me, or for any of the challenging experiences we’ve faced together, and that gave me words for something I’d desperately been searching for.

But because everything I’m given grows and shifts my internal world with such great force that is not where I’ve landed in my thoughts for motherhood, being parented, or though being the matriarch of my family.

I always like to tell myself these shiny little lies about myself, for instance: you didn’t have the mom you needed when you were a kid. Nobody loves you in the way you need to be loved, nobody can hold your depth and you’re absolutely ridiculous Anami Grace.

But that’s simply not true. I BECAME the mother I needed when I was young. Because of, and in spite of my own mother. I am someone that the patriarchy has repeatedly asked me to erase the effort of. I love myself so much y’all. And earning my trust was no easy feat. And I am absolutely ridiculous, but I have the pleasure and the pain of holding that for myself, by myself, and on purpose. Every damn day.

Besides change I am the only constant I have in my life. And I became the version of myself that I liked the most despite what I was told to do by the world, and it turns out that she’s really fucking rad at holding the sorrow of me.

Yesterday Mother’s Day had me in tears once again. I went to my sacred space and I cried to the trees, to the mountains, and to myself. It’s hard to be the only one. I told myself through the sorrow of my attachment wound.

It’s shitty that the treatment for all of this is running toward the pain, y’all. But it is. Run toward the spaces inside of you that scream to be left alone, for they hold the most vulnerable parts of you that are secretly the treasure of you.

So as I walked home I decided that I would reach out to a friend to help me hold the pain of being me. Because in earning my own trust, I was then able to shakily hold it out to my community so they could also run toward and celebrate the broken pieces of me.

I texted her and asked if she had the space to be able to hold a difficult part of me with me. And because what I’ve built with her is so solid, she responded with a resounding YES!

And together we examined my pain and made a plan to help the world hold theirs.

Because, that’s the thing y’all. The world NEEDS YOUR BROKENNESS. They need your authenticity. They need to be able to know themselves through the pieces of you that have been mangled and harmed by the absolute atrocity of the patriarchy. Those are the things about you that change the entire world. Vulnerability your superpower. No matter what anyone says.

Knowing, loving, trusting, holding yourself through all of these terrible things that have happened to and for you is the key to finding the people that will walk into your life, kiss you on the forehead like a good mama, and help you blaze the trail toward something that has never existed before. Because. You have never existed before in your most whole form.

Mother’s Day is hard for a lot of people, and when you learn to be grateful for the opportunity to care for YOURSELF through all of the hard parts of being you. You realize how important your experience is because of, and in spite of everything that has happened to and for you.

Become the parent you needed. For yourself. By yourself. And on purpose. Treasure the tears of how hard this is to do all by yourself, and move that through your body, your children, your community, and the world.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care! Bye.