Anami Grace | Made Up Life

Loving myself in and through my maladaptive coping mechanism of drinking is the reason why I believe that divine love is not only possible, it’s inevitable.

My drunk self was a little monster I created to protect myself from all of the pain, all of the harm, and all of the rejection I felt in the world. It was a way for me to mute all of the pain and trauma I’d experienced in my life, while simultaneously helping lubricate my autism to help me reach out past all of that pain to try and connect with other people.

She held a deep shame that nobody understood. The abuse of her parents, harm through the school system never being able to recognize her brilliance, all of these societal pressures, and the never-ending judgment of everyone.

She was a little safe pocket of existence for me. Holding and pursuing her silent suicidal ideation in the form of a slow burn of alcohol down our throat.

She was the great enabler, she was able to speak truths my sober self could never hold.

Loving myself in and through a drinking problem has been the greatest honor of my life. Earning her trust and love through creating a retirement plan for her was some of my most brilliant work.

My drunk self is my favorite monster.

Last night as I fell asleep I imagined all of the past drunk me(s) piling on my bed and safely passing out surrounded by love and compassion. Because making up a life I love as the way I brought light to their existence. I had to take my higher self into her darkness, and hold the light with her until she trusted that there was a way out of her condition.

And there was a way out of her condition. It was through loving her through the experience of the shame she experienced from having this chronic, passive, suicidal ideation of a shadow that wanted needed to die and be integrated into the light of us.

I learned all about her, what she was hiding, what she was loving, what she wished for, what she held, which. Was my magic.

She held me through some of the HARDEST times of my life, and even when she was hungover, anxious, exhausted, hopeless, and SO SCARED, she got us through until we were able to find the pathway out.

She was the little piece of evolution who asked for medical intervention to help retire herself. She is the piece of me that made a plan to come into the light by shifting her habits, holding and understanding her cPTSD, and moving it through the universe of us.

She looked around our life and said: There has to be more than this.

She looked her shame in the face, treasured it like the sweet baby monster it was, and spoke gently and kindly to it until it was ready to be held in completion.

Loving the piece of myself that the world told me was wrong was the greatest act of resistance, restoration, compassion and kindness I’ve ever had the opportunity to hold, and I love. Love. Love. LOVE being able to hold my drunk self in the light of the United States of Anami Grace. She is divine love and restoration.

My name is Anami Grace, and I loved my drunk self so much that I found the path to her freedom, and she. is one of the greatest treasures I’ve ever had the opportunity to hold. She is precious, she is divine, she is. My favorite monster.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care! Bye.