Anami Grace | Made Up Life

I close my eyes and I see the red kaleidoscope behind my eyelids as the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. I’m enjoying a mango outshine popsicle in my patio chair I’ve moved into the sun to warm up because for whatever reason it’s so cold in my house today.

Summer is in full swing and I’ve gone back to the beginning of my journal and I’m to the part where I’ve lost my job. It seems so perfectly fitting that was in the fall when the trees were like so obnoxiously into showing off how beautiful it is to let go of what is not meant for you. As I let go of my only source of income to pursue myself, my healing, and my story.

I thought I would have had a million followers on TikTok by now. I thought that I would have been able to launch myself straight into stardom, but the rules are always changing and nobody believed in me quite like the version of me that had freshly lost her job.

I was up all night with the song by Alison Krauss “The Lucky One” stuck in my head and as the sun shines harder on my face it is still playing in the background of my mind. The popsicle is so mango and it reminds me of the mango smoothie I got in Maui after a hangry meltdown after traveling all day 10 years ago.

I am lucky. I say to myself. As a quiet tear escapes my left eye. I am soooo lucky.

As if on cue, the lady with the poodle that bit me on the wolf full moon walks by. I wave at her and coo at her dog.

I am so lucky. I say to myself again. I am so lucky to be wealthy in experience and unjaded by how difficult the last eight months of my life has been.

I have a little scar from where the dog bit me on my left butt cheek, I’ve seen it every day this week as I’ve been putting on my tiny bikini and riding my e-bike down to the river to do a cold plunge every morning. I instinctively rub it and hope that he is less scared of unfamiliar humans in the future.

Today I put on my favorite outfit. A red tank-top, and my matching red gingham skort I got at Target before they melted down with their anti-diversity BS. My hair is in low space buns and I decided that I was going to soak up as much fun as I can in my job hunt. I am incredibly particular about what I wear, and it’s Balloon Girl showing up to make sure that I’m beautiful for anyone that might perceive me.

I got so close to the point yesterday as I tearfully soft quit my content creation journey, but it didn’t quite land until this morning. The reason why I am lucky. The reason why I always come out of difficult times happier, healthier and wealthier is because I know how to have fun. I know how to hold myself through whatever is going on outside of me and find the fun of being me, through the hard parts of being me.

I know how to hold movement, joy, simple delight, and I expanded often to my own detriment, to hold the discomfort of all of this joy through healing the miserable parts of being me.

I healed my attachment injury through creating a secure attachment to myself. I spent the past 8 months of being self-employed bringing the light of my limitless soul into the depths of my darkness. Overturning every rock, holding whatever piece of me was under there, and finding a way to love myself through it.

It made me zero dollars. And it cost me EVERYTHING. And I’m still the richest I’ve ever been. The cold I’m fighting aside, this is the healthiest I’ve ever been too. Because I saw past the absurdity of all of the nonsense outside of me and simply decided that I was going to learn how to play with the toxic stress that is created by this system. I learned to care for myself through every moment of distress, and allowed the tears of this difficulty to pour out of me as a conduit and an avenue to create the next moment of happiness.

And what I learned through experiencing all of this luck that the world would have told me was incredibly unlucky, was that I’m always worth the investment of my time, effort, love, compassion, hope, and joy. I will always cry in the darkness and emerge from quantity unperceived time as the most beautiful, well cared for version of myself.

And she? She is the one who makes it. Through whatever is next. I took the $27,000 from cashing out my 401k, and I budgeted the HELL out of that money and I got myself through 8 months of time. And from that investment. I got a whole me. The richest, happiest, healthiest version of Anami Grace that has ever existed.

WORTH IT.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care! Bye.