Anami Grace | Made Up Life

I had been scared to ride my e-bike in traffic. Because I’m the only parent my children have, and I have to be here in this paradigm until I am called out of this life, but as I’ve learned to live a life I love I’ve realized that takes a little bit of recklessness and the e-bike I got with the purchase of my house was IT.

I had practiced for weeks riding around the neighborhood. Up and down our driveway with a shit grin on my face as I was quietly conquering years of fear and transmuting angst into joy.

But last Sunday. I woke up and I KNEW I had to ride my bike down to the river and start a 7 day water ritual to move myself out of fear and into the wildness required to be out of money and still living in the end stages of this immersive production of nonsense.

My heart was racing as I looked for the bikini I wasn’t sure was going to fit anymore, but I managed to find one I didn’t even know I still had from 2018, and I put it on.

It was 7 am and I thought for sure my older kid would still be home before venturing out to one of his two summer jobs, but alas he was already gone for the day. I didn’t eat, I had a little sick feeling of fear deep in my belly. In reality I was hoping that I’d get talked out of this little adventure.

I put on my helmet. Nobody is going to stop you Anami Grace. You’re doing this. I said out loud to myself as it was colder than I expected taking Lily out. I put her into a nest, found my helmet (safety first – gotta protect this brain), and went to the bike racks to my adorable bike. Nobody was around, the sun was shining, and the wind was blowing just enough to make it chilly.

Out loud I said to nobody, and I suppose everything: for the good of all and the harm to none, I become the wild and free thing that takes me to the next step of being.

I unlocked my bike, stood over it on my tippy toes and took a deep, steadying breath. It’s now or never Anami Grace. Are we shifting? Or are we staying the same? Balloon Girl entered the chat and she exclaimed: FOR THE PLOT! Gawd, this little cutie is determined. Before I can even think about it anymore I’m pedaling down the hill toward my certain death.

I have my favorite olive green tank top and my workout shorts, my black helmet, no glasses, and the wind is in my face as I feel the freedom that only comes when facing your own mortality in calculated recklessness.

I make it to the end of the driveway and there is NO turning back. Suddenly I’m smiling and on the main road with very little traffic. I had forgotten my emotional support chapstick and my mouth is dry from anxiety. But nevertheless I persist toward my newest death/rebirth cycle speeding along at 20 miles per hour.

I take another deep breath and purposely slow myself down. There is no rush, Anami Grace. Take your time and enjoy this experience.

I make it to the first roundabout, which I suppose are simpler to navigate on a bike than a 4 way stop. And I am blessed without a single car so far. I have turn signals on my bike and am still a little unsteady for hand signals, so I signal out of the roundabout. One more to go.

At this point I’m feeling the rush of near accomplishment. One down. One more to go. I make it to the next roundabout and still no traffic. I feel deeply lucky, but it’s also early on a Sunday morning, so I press on.

I miss the turn and only realize it about halfway down the street. I look around a pop a u-ee and I’m back on track.

I make it to the river and I lock up my bike feeling like a real badass. Anami Grace, you quit your job. You cashed out your 401k, you gave yourself 6 months which turned into 8 months somehow, and you bought yourself a new life, fell in love with yourself, and now you’re at the river without using ANY gas, and you’re once again doing something you never even imagined.

There are surfers on the river, but other than that there isn’t a soul. I take off my outer layers and my alabaster skin glows extra white in the sun. I put them on a nearby rock and I go in ankle deep. It wasn’t as cold as I was expecting, but it also is NOT warm. I get goosebumps on my skin, and know that I’m going to miss this when it’s 90 degrees and I’m dancing later that day. I go in deeper, up to my waist and I say out loud: to the water holding me, cleanse me from this previous cycle, bring me to my highest timeline and open up a new cycle for me on this solstice. I came to this moment through all of my darkness and through the experience of bravery. I want to be wild and free. So mote it be. Amen.

And then I went under 7 times. It was SO cold it gave me a headache behind my ears. But when I was done I came out of the water feeling victorious.

I put my clothes back on, and rode my bike back home soaking wet from the river. The freest, most wild version of me unlocked without the perception of anyone. I’ve been back every day since because it turns out that when you do brave things it increases your will to live and your ability to do brave things.

Every day the traffic has been heavier and today I went into the roundabout in front of a car! Ahhhhh!

I have done so many brave things this year and I’ve overcome so much of my own nonsense, and every step has made me wilder, freer, and more myself. Because I exist for my own pleasure and joy, and learning that has been so much fun.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care. Bye!