Anami Grace | Made Up Life

The pathway my tears took down my face are a secret between the universe and I. A treasure beyond all reason, known only to myself and every iteration of me required to be here. And today as my green eyes shine brightly through the almost imperceptible red and the tears threatening to overflow, all I can feel in my you-niverse is gratitude. It’s a bubble in my chest, I think it must shimmer like the bubbles my neighbor was blowing with her bubble-gun yesterday. Changing color depending on which angle you perceive them through.

We are free. I say to all of the iterations who came before and left this world to create the collective beauty of Anami Grace.

Free. Indeed. We say back automatically. And laugh ironically as we think back to how the love of God was a light unto our path, but not like that.

Nobody will ever know the cost of this journey. And for that I’m glad. The other day as I was sweltering under the July sun. Starving, alone, and hammering the fence board I’d just accidentally popped off with my car. Gratitude was not my primary emotion. Anger was. I was angry that every step of this journey has forced me to face my own loneliness with stark clarity.

Hammering, mixed with tears, rage, and unspoken contempt for all of the things I had to become to hold the specialness of who I am. And the cost of each step in my own darkness, which at times felt impossible to hold.

The life wounds of my infinite soul being wrapped in human flesh to experience the illusion of the finite.

But free from what, Anami Grace? You might ask.

Free from the stories that threatened to kill me. Free from the monsters that almost did, alcohol, abusive relationships, homelessness, lack, fear, loneliness, attachment wounds, and the pain all of that held.

And the understanding two things: that I’m better alone. And to the monsters the hard parts of me, the most healed version of me was a monster. Because: To the monsters, we are monsters.

And through that pathway of loneliness treasuring my sweet little monsters of the hard parts of being me into wholeness. Loving them to retirement or death, depending on what they needed for integration. And holding the wisdom to hold the duality of both in my sacred space.

With a special nod to all of the tears I cried alone, all of the food I created to nourish myself through the impossible. And to become the inevitable version of me.

The one who now knows that we’ve retired our sad stories. Telling them through joy and freedom, pausing only for the authentic tears to fall from our eyes.

Choosing to see how in that bathroom on a cold January night, the pink shimmering bubble of the divine love rose up within us and asked us: Anami Grace? Do you want to live? Or are you ready to leave this life, your children, and your dog behind?

And without understanding of what this path would be. I choose my own life. I asked louder for the gun. Put it in my safe, and choose myself every day until I could hold this secret life I didn’t know could exist. Guided by an internal force I did not understand was this version of myself, inviting us to quantum shift into this life through a variety of incredibly stupid and made-up choices.

My freedom cost me everything familiar. It cost me my old life, my old body, my old habits, my old relationships, it cost me blood, sweat, and tears. It cost me the familiar patters, it cost me everything I had.

And what I got in its place was the most healed version of myself, a secure attachment to myself, and a safe space to exist and create from.

It cost me every assumption, judgement, and prejudice I held.

Because all of those things were no longer sustainable for my transformation.

And while I would gladly pay that price again, I am relieved that I never have to. For I am transformed. By the renewing of my mind.

Because. Y’all. God is within you. Right behind all of the pieces of yourself you’ve been taught to avoid. And your freedom is the treasure you find by connecting your infinite soul with your finite experience of the now.

Anyway. Love and light to you all. Take care! Bye.