Anami Grace | Made Up Life

Please, won’t you be my neighbor? Plays softly somewhere in the back of my mind a lot of the time, and with it a flash of your beautiful, smiling face. Telling me that I mattered. In a world where I didn’t matter. Like. At all.

Through time space you did what mattered to you every day and shared the love of God with everyone you ever met. Including my sweet darling balloon girl. My precious little monster in her sparkly blue bathing suit. At home in her precious little body that was being harmed every night while she slept.

But she. Had just discovered how good her body felt when she knew she looked good. Because she held the ridiculous idea to tie a matching cobalt helium balloon to her sparkly blue bathing suit. And the sun was shining on our little, precious, braided pigtail platinum blonde hair feeling fabulous in her skin. Sparkling right there magically in the sun.

You couldn’t have known. How much Lady Fairchild meant to me while I tried so hard to escape the grips of alcohol. When my face would be red with shame and grief that I could not let go of what ensnared me. Because of the sweet little piece of me who wanted to never wake up again.

For the harm was to great, and my body too small to be treated with such distain at home.

Because you loved Lady Fairchild too. For being exactly who she was. And in those moments, in the mirror, when it was just me. My passive suicidal ideation, and the idea that this version of me deserved love too.

It was a journey all through my darkness, with the idea that somehow. Someway, maybe I could make good of this mess. Like I could have enough peace that I could maybe use my voice every day for something that mattered to me and sharing a little something unique with the world. To see if maybe they’d be able to heal too. And then. Never being able to shut up about it again.

Because. Fred. Mr. Rodgers. Sir. You spoke to the most empowered part of me by finding the treasure of your own darkness. And you changed an entire universe in doing so.

Your memory is a blessing to me every day. Thank you for being one of the only points of love I ever got to experience in my childhood.

Sincerely,

Anami Grace